After observing other people’s lives and listening to lot of older people’s advices I knew that I wanted to do something I love as my career but lately I’ve been trying so hard to keep myself busy being productive that I’ve lost sense of time. It has become a routine to finish all the tasks set out the day before, leaving no time to wander off and relax. I remember during summer when I used to relax too much that I used to stress about not doing anything productive. But once the uni has started I have kept myself busy forcing myself to even schedule my sleeping and waking up time.
Never been able to find that balance.
But this week, especially today, I have broken the schedule. I have been watching YouTube videos since 11pm and as I am writing this, it is 5:47am and I have not felt this free in a long time, not worrying about the tasks but just doing whatever the hell I want.
Pursuing your dreams is certainly a marathon, everyone has to go at their own pace but I have learnt that I need to slow down every now and then otherwise what good is it if I achieve my dream but don’t enjoy the journey.
On another note, here’s a video I made for one of my uni project which falls in the same topic (Inspired by the fact that most elderly people regret the chances they did not take or the things they did not do), I wanted to re-edit the footage that I gave up on and did not release it on YouTube.
So lately I’ve been wondering what do I really want in life, I know I want to follow my passion but even to pursue your passion, there has to be a “why”, a reason to why you want to do what you want to do. I’ve been a dreamer since I was a kid, imagining what I will be doing in the future and never thinking of “what if I don’t make it”. However lately since I’ve been home for the summer break, I’ve been very unproductive and not been able to even find a “normal job”, my own expectation of me has accumulated to view myself as a failure, which is why I’ve been asking myself what does really motivate me?
This video was not planned in any way, my girlfriend and I went to Folkestone, Kent just before the sunset and I thought to express what has been on my mind lately.
I’ll be going into third year of my uni, and I still feel lost as ever.
Some people seem to be motivated by money, some by fame and others by a sense of security.
But me… I don’t know what motives me.
I mean, I do enjoy learning, not just by books.
It could be anything, from films to real life experiences.
I love those little moments in life.
I love listening to other people.
I love observing life.
I just love to feel.
I don’t know exactly what I want in life.
But I know for sure, what I don’t… and that is to stay still.
I guess, I’m motivated by… growth.
I hate feeling guilty and whenever I take some time off to relax, do nothing or even take holiday, that feeling of guilt starts to erupt. The whole time in my mind I think about how I could’ve used that time to do something useful. Luckily, my girlfriend is the opposite, she believes in living in the present, which is how she convinced me to go on this trip to Venice.
Venice was great, a perfect place to get lost and explore.
Being an aspiring filmmaker, I also took few cameras to test, a BMPCC and a 35mm film camera.
With the video I tried to avoid slowing down the clips and use fancy transitions, realized my shots aren’t as strong as I would like it to be, as most of the shots were unusable and I feel the final video lacks depth and story.
I’ve always admired the tone and feeling produced from 35mm film cameras but never got the chance to try it. So taking advantage of university’s equipment, I borrowed Pentax K1000 and bought some exposures from Amazon, here is the result. (Used http://www.photo-express.co.uk to develop and print the photos)
Thinking back, I’m glad I decided to go to Venice. Even though working hard and being productive is something that gives me satisfaction, my life will not feel complete as these little moments spending time with my loved ones are something that will stay with me forever.
One of the final tasks for 201MC “Professional Experience” module, involved making a video no longer than 2mins reflecting upon my own experience in the “real world”.
The idea behind it was to reflect, identify challenges that relate to our chosen profession, learn to collate our research and supporting material into a coherent whole, articulate our own desires and ambitions in a media world, realize how much can be told in a 2-minute long video and to be aware how different styles of film-making affect the viewer’s understanding.
My idea was to introduce four different scenes, one being awakened by sound of someone’s footsteps and getting up to work on this video, then cutting to three other different short scenes relating to confidence, purpose and patience, each with different actors and then cutting back to the first one working on the video but making sure all the scenes link to each other. However, due to leaving it to the last week, and equipment not being available (really wanted to test Blackmagic Ursa Mini 4.6k), also the location being too far for my actors (housemates who had exams), I had to think of a plan B.
Plan B, was a simple idea, walking upstairs in very low light not being aware of where it might take but learning something new with each step, each floor, each struggle. If I had to do it again then I would’ve portrayed doors as opportunities.
Looking back at it, the first idea was too big, and I’ve learnt that big doesn’t always mean the best, a simple small idea can be more appropriate depending on the project.
I tried my best to show on the video what I’ve learnt through my various placements this year, and if it still isn’t clear then I’ve done a bad job.